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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

 

I don't trust Denise Austin.

Argh! Interpoll! So I was browsing through the web today, and, as usual, bullsh1t spam email had flooded my inbox. (I never knew I was a bald man with an undersized tool! Well well well...) And I came across some of these fitness emails, like, "Join our program and lose 10 stones in an hour*!! ** (*For anyone with an amazingly fast metabolism, **Results may vary) " So I decided to do a little research into this crap (I was very bored and I'm still recovering from the cold my hamster gave me... Gee, thanks Penfold), and came across some lady called Denise Austin.

At first, I thought the site looked really professional, and as it's free, I took a sneaky-peek at their exercises. This is when I came across this picture:

I'm grinning for no actual reason! Yeeee! Exercise is fuuuuuuuunNow, I know I may not be the slimmest person on the planet *Kills the person in the background who says, "You got that f-cking right!!"*. And I know for sure that my thighs aren't the thinnest, either (but they've proven to be GREAT for walking with, so I like them the way they are). But there's no way in hell that I'm going to trust a woman with my fitness plans, when they have thighs like that. No way. They are, like, the same size as mine, or there abouts. She may be happy and smiley, but she has a tiny bust and abnormally huge thighs for her build. Therefore, I don't trust Denise Austin.

Not like I'd go into a fitness plan, anyway. BMIs are a loada nonsense, as muscle is heavier than fat, and the more you exercise to lower your BMI, it actually does the reverse effect... but that's a different matter. Mind you, my sister said that to me once, and she IS in the region of 12-16 stone... *coughs madly* I never said that.

Asides from this, I am unhappy. I want to email Fremantle media, but, guess what! The biserable mastards have taken their email address off the site. So, I just went into my Sent Emails history, and fished out the address. That was about a week ago, and there's still no reply. So my last resort is by letter. Problem is, I have no paper. I used the last lot up making an origami rabbit-on-a-box (which went horribly wrong, by the way; his face got smashed in).

I have also discovered my kittens like watching cartoons. I put Victor and Hugo on for them to watch (surprise, surprise... well, it was the first DVD I saw, and I can't stand Alias the Jester, which was my other choice), and little Rosco sat there watching it for about 5 minutes before he got distracted by Jasper (who was fillying about on the windowsill, trying to pull the curtain down). Later on, Rosco came back and curled up on my lap and watched the small remainder of the episode. And another thing - they act all weird whenever a dog appears on TV. Once Jasper stood up and put his paws on the screen, and when a dog came on TV and barked, Jasper jumped back and ran away.
And now for an extremely disturbing picture of Jasper:

RAAAAAR

# Bobbin slithered back into the shadows at 11:10 PM -----  0 people have lost their sanity

Sunday, July 29, 2007

 

♪ Happy Penfold to you ♪ (?)

It was not a biscuit!Uh, is there something wrong with my internet today? Only it's going stupidly-slow.

I declare the above image as WTF-adorable. Because it's adorable, yet causes the question, "WTF?" at the same time. Hugo in a panda suit. Can't get any weirder than that (Oh yes it can). What's more, I take pride in saying that I made that screenshot. Yep, me. Me me me me me! I give myself a pat on the back for working out how to do that. Ouch - I just did that in real life and I hurt myself :( The chances of this? Slim.

I don't think I've crammed this information into your small, inferior (Mwaa-haa-haa) head, yet, so I will anyway. Penfold has the cold. I didn't know hamsters could get colds... nevertheless, he has one. I even caught it from him about a week ago (now THAT'S weird). A little while ago (I'm talking about days) he took a turn for the worse, and fearing he could leave this world, I took like... 100 pictures of him. And before you scream, "BUT WY DIDNT U TAKE HIM 2 TEH VETS BOB?????/" I'd like to say: I did. He is a useless tosser. If I listened to him, Penfold would be dead by now. Instead, today he was happily running around, like a mad... rodent in a ball. Oh yes, what did the vet say? "He's probably a little discomforted. Nothing to worry about." Oh, no, nothing to worry about... except pneumonia, but nevermind about that, that's just a minor problem that may cause him to die, but there's nothing to worry about.

So, to prevent this from happening to YOU... or your hamster, more likely, just get a tablespoon of lukewarm water, tablespoon of lukewarm milk, and a teaspoon of honey, mix it all up, and give it to your hamster via a syringe. Very, VERY effective.

But anyway, happy little Penfold was running around today, in fact, just half an hour ago. He was going quite fast for a 2-year-old. I was taking pictures of him again, and I got this little jem:

YOUR NOT CHIEF ANYMORE LOLOLOLOLOL

PENFOLD KILLED DANGERMOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AND NOW HE'S EATING HIS SHOULDER!!!!!!!!!


(Dun dun dun)

Anyway...

The Happy birthday reference in the title is to do with my Grandad. It... being his birthday today. He's 87 today, hooray! And no, he's not the stereotypical old man who goes around all hunched up like a constipated rat and complaining about the weather to a pack of cheese. (I don't know what happened to my brain just then.) But what I found humourous was when he was opening his presents, and Ninja Nanny was there (my crazy Grandmother, not married to him... Remember my other Nan died Feb 2006?), and when he was examining his first present, Ninja gets up, picks up the tea tray like a servant, deliberately walks in front of the camcorder, and storms off into the kitchen. She never returned. I'm pretty sure if you were to review the recording (not posted here, never will be posted here), you'd probably hear my Dad's whisper to me: "Now, this is called jealousy."

Last thing I'm going to say, a very nice man is going to give me a DVD. For free. "What DVD?" I am not hearing you cry. None other than 12 episodes of Victor and Hugo. NO WAIT - DON'T LOSE INTEREST JUST YET!! This is fantastic, because it's very rare to get ONE episode, let alone 12. This is, like, rarer than finding a diamond the size of your head in your backgarden/backyard. Dude - if you're reading this, you know who you are, and IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!!!!!!! *cyber-hugs* Wait - I haven't got it yet. I'll link to his site as soon as I receive it, which apparently may take some time.

*Gets out a club, holds it threateningly*

I advise you to hurry up, sir.

(Just kidding.)'I love thees panda!'


# Bobbin slithered back into the shadows at 11:26 PM -----  2 people have lost their sanity

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

 

On boy scouts and red squirrels... and number plates

'Victor, what is it that it is that this blog post is about?'

I know it's 1 day late, but happy 2nd anniversary, blog!! 2 years of utter bullsh*t! *Thank you, thank you...*

Ah found me some number plates! Ah found me some number plates!! OK, I was on a little walk in some woods... I went there because of the blackberries, even if it isn't blackberry season yet, I don't care. Sour blackberries are good enough for me; as long as they are black, and aren't covered in anything not fit for human consumption, I'll eat it. That's besides the point, I went to the major blackberry-area, and lo and behold, there was a white bin bag. To say they were "hidden" would be a lie, and "partially hidden" would also be a lie. Think about it: dark green bushes, dark mud and dirt... and a white bin bag. So, carefully, I opened this sack of joy, being careful to avoid any needles or knives or beaten-but-not-quite-dead bodies, etc. The bag tore open on its own, anyway, and inside were my number plates. Still, it's a good find. OK, so I didn't find them on my own, I had an accomplice, Hannah, whom I'm mentioning in case she reads this (heheheheh). Unfortunately, we must deliver them to the police, but who knows? I might get a reward, if I'm lucky (I mean... Hannah and I might get a reward... ;P ).

Now, about these boy scouts and red squirrels. I went to Brownsea Island yesterday. A perfect day for going out (even if I did get sunburnt). BUT - boy scouts. It's the Baden-Powell centenary thingy of boy scouts and cal. So, there were boy scouts from ALL the way around the world. There were even Australian boy scouts. Anyway, I saw a red squirrel, and when I was getting my camera out, a buncha these necktie-wearing imbociles came 'round the corner and scared the poor thing away. So, no picture. Instead, I bought a red squirrel toy, to comemorate my finding of a red squirrel. But, the kittens have taken a liking to it, and I've found them running around with it in their mouths.
Now, I'm bored, and it's a Crimewatch special right now, so please excuse me.
What are they looking at?

# Bobbin slithered back into the shadows at 9:01 PM -----  1 people have lost their sanity

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

 

Hihihi my droogs

Got milk?
There was me, that is Bob, and my three droogs, that is Steven, Grandad, and Ninja Nanny - Ninja because she's always surprising us at random moments - and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with our holiday time.
I'm sorry, I tried so hard.
Why I started like this was because my brother looks scarily like Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange.

SMILE, ALEX

SMILE, STEVEN... I SAID SMIIIIILE

I'm talking mainly about their hairstyle, not the colour all that much. Well, he DOES TO ME. And everytime I look at him I burst out laughing (him oblivious as to why), because the really odd thing is that he adores classical music, just like Alex.

Nevermind, that has nothing to do with anything. What I WAS going to say was all this crap about 'What I dids on me 'olidays'. What I found REALLY unfair about the past week or so is how my family treated my brother... As you can see in the picture, he had his 18th birthday on the 10th July (I put 18 candles in an 18-shape/formation... it's hard to explain but hopefully you might understand). On his birthday, Ninja and my Aunt came 'round, and asked Your Humble Narrator to come with to Monkey World. If you don't know what that is, it's like a zoo, but for poor little monkeys with no friends or family or a lost leg or something. Or they just found it in the jungle, littering up the place, you know that kind of thing. Anyway, my question was: "Why can't Steven come?" Their reply - "There's no room in the car."

If you think that was bad enough, forgetting his birthday, like, think again, for there is a follow-up. Later that same day I was invited to see Pirates of the Carabbean 3, yet again, without Steven, the birthday-boy. Especially on his 18th, poor lad. Perhaps this wasn't as bad, because POTC3 sucked monkeyballs. It really did. If you liked it, I suggest you come on here and say why it is good... though I don't think many people will. When we left the cinema, everyone was grumbling about a waste of time/money/time and money.

And if you think THAT was bad enough, forgetting his birthday, like, again, think again, for there is a further follow-up. 2 days ago N.Nanny invited me to stay over her house, and go to Weymouth the next day (that being, um, yesterday). And Steven? Oooohhhh, nooooooo... That was a pretty strange and perhaps pointless visit... It's about, ooh, 20-30 miles away? The first shop we visited, led by our Ninja warrior, was a nationwide clothes shop. And the second one. But, oh, come on, there HAS to be a reason... My guess is that the receipts say "Weymouth" on them, which might, in her opinion, make a good souvenier.

I did mention my Grandad in my 'Droog' list at the beginning of this post. So I shall say: He's been teaching me chess. Perhaps this was a horrid mistake to make, because I keep putting him in checkmate in, like, less than 20 moves.


# Bobbin slithered back into the shadows at 8:44 PM -----  0 people have lost their sanity

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