Whelp. I was having the usual chat-session with my dear Robert, when he spontaneously announced that he was feeling guilty that he might be hurting me.
... I've been questioning if I'm a good influence on you, so I might have seemed a bit distant in the last week or so.
Robert
I've been worried I've been giving you things to worry about that have a lot of emotional gravitas that you wouldn't otherwise have.
Robert
Well for instance, me going to Plymouth for the weekend. You have topics to worry about that have a higher emotional impact than if you didn't have a boyfriend.
Essentially I'm an intense emotional stimulus for you
While the good is wonderful, I've been wracked with guilt for the bad.
Which was worrying. Very worrying indeed. Then it continues...
Robert
I don't think you'll ever realise your self worth while your with me.
You'll look to me to solve problems and look after you.
Will you act like my equal?
Will you accept that your my equal?
(That was said ironically)
I can give you selfworth.
(Why do I always put can instead of can't when I'm typing quickly?)
You're serious about breaking up, aren't you?
I don't joke around about important stuff.
We can talk about it more when I get back this evening, ok?
Lolno. This was a matter I wanted to solve there and then. Next thing I know, this happens.
Robert
It will hurt, but you'll do better without me.
You're the best thing that's happened to me and I don't want to lose you
You think too much of me and nothing of yourself. That. Right there. If you wanted a reason then thats it.
But you're seriously breaking up?! Don't be so cruel
I knew he had a fairly bad self esteem, but I didn't realise it was this bad.
Then comes the bargaining...
Emily
At least give me another chance. I didn't realise I was doing something wrong.l
If you want to know what's really bad for me, it's talking like this. I can't handle rejection.
I love you and I can't handle watching you flagellate yourself.
Every time you throw yourself at me like your worth nothing.
No, that's not the case at all
That's how it feels for me.
You misinterpret my actions
You feel like you want to appease this god like individual before you? It's psychological flagellation.
I like making others happy. I find it rewarding, not as a punishment.
You do it because you think the're better than you. You enjoy it because you think pleasing someone better than you is the only way of making yourself worthwhile.
No, that is not the case at all.
Then why would you say you enjoyed pleasing others?
I just do. I have, after all, been my Grandfather's carer for however-many-years-it's-been.
You don't have to hate yourself to want to help others.
That's true, but I feel as though you do.
Will you accept that your my equal?
I find it hard to believe that can 
I do, I trust you want to make that happen from the very bottom of your heart. I just question if you are able.
Also statistically speaking once the subject of breaking up has been discussed it's rare for a relationship to continue.
I worry we would only be dragging it out.
No, because it's not going to be brought up again.
Well, I love you too much for that. Is the feeling mutual?
I love you too, that's why were talking about this. i think you'll be better off without me. I want to stop making you feel bad.
You're making me feel bad now!
But it didn't work.
Reasoning?
Robert
I'm always afraid I'm going to do or say something that might provoke a negative emotional response.
I care about you so much...
I just don't want the pressure of being the person you look up to.
You worry needlessly, my dear.
You are the person I look up to. Why is there pressure?
Your always saying how great I am, so I try to live up to it.
You are great regardless. You don't need to do anything to prove it.
Didn't work.
After describing his self-esteem issues he goes on.
Robert
I think I've come to realise the reason I wanted to split was never you, but me all along. I was just trying to justify it.
"It's not you, it's me", eh?
Still, there's no need to do something as drastic, man.
I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship. I feel like I'm suffocating under my own neurosis.
But there's no need to do something as drastic as this.
All the times we've had together were good, were they not?
Of course. Also I love you, but I just can't do it.
Listen, how about we spend a couple of weeks apart, right?
did you ever watch an 'Friends'?
I don't quite know what that means
I hear 'being on a break' is when people often cheat, so that's why I'm not going to call it that.
I simply mean you get your space until you're comfortable seeing me again.
That's what happened on Friends. They went on about it for years.
What if that doesn't happen, or we get back and we end up here again? I don't want to put you through that.
I'd rather try it than lose you now.
You can do better than me. You'll be happier with otu me.
I'm just fucking everything up as usual.
But I admit you really are worrying me at the moment.
I've just put you through this hellish conversation.
It's a one-off
But I'd worry it isn't. I don't want to hurt you.
I'd rather have you cry once now, than risk making you cry may times more.
...Which you would do if you broke up with me now.
You'd be fine. Your so much better than you think/.
No. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
I was still in denial at this point. How can you focus on convincing someone to stay if you can't even convince yourself this is happening?
I knew he was leaving work shortly, so the conversation was hurried to this close.
Robert
I'm sorry, I think I just want to be alone.
I'll let you be alone for as long as you want. Just don't break it off, please.
It just feels like putting ot off.
Putting off a break-up? No, it's not
The point of the time apart is to prevent it
I don't think I'll feel any differently. I think if anything I've already been putting this off hoping the feeling would change
There's no need to break up.
What good is continuing if I can't keep it together?
You can, you just have some issues to sort out.
in the meantime, that is.
I thought there would be trouble if I stayed more than a weekend
i think it's better we found this sort of thing out sooner rather than later.
Still, don't break up with me, please.
Shouldn't you be coming home soon?
I ... I don't think I can face you after putting you through all this.
...So what are you going to do?
That's not a good way of dealing with it.
Seems like the standard response to breaking up.
I'm sorry. I'm a forrible person.
No?
Get the idea of breaking up out of your head. We're not through yet
Now we've gone though all this it won't go back to how it was. It's over.
It will go back to how it was
I don't want to hurt you anymore.
You're hurting me now. You have never hurt me during this relationship.
Well, you've never hurt me before, that's what I mean
And I don't want to continue only to put you through this again.
If you break up with me now, I don't know what I'll do.
Calm down. This isn't what you want, is it?
So I could never break up with you for fear you'd an hero?
My head's messed up at the moment
This entire conversation came as a complete shock
If I were to break up with someone, I would rather it end on a bad note, so I could feel free, rather than on a good note, and feel lost.
I don't want to hate you.
Love and hate are close. It wouldn't be that hard.
I don't see how anyone could benefit from us breaking up. Don't do it.
You'll be better off in the long run, I'm sure of it.
I refuse to see anyone else.
Whyever not? It can change
Just don't do this now. You're not feeling too good at the moment; not the best time to decide these sorts of things.
You'll get over me in time. Just hate me because this is a horrible thing for me to do to you.
At that point, he changed his relationship status to 'single' and logged off.
For the next few minutes, I sat there a bit stunned; I hadn't seen any of that coming. At all. I felt embarrassed for my own blindness, and completely empty inside. So, what to do? Wait until he comes back? That could take ages. His flatmate was already back and I didn't want to face him, or have him hear me bawwing like a little baby.
So, up the fuck I got, grabbed my bag, and marched down to Bournemouth town centre to go Rob-hunting. Didn't take long; after all, he said he'd be drowning his sorrows in drink, and I am well acquainted with his favourite bar.
I completely failed at making a dramatic entrance, because the doors didn't open properly, I was shaking and had a bright red nose, the likes of which no bartender was ever seen. Even so, I was the centre of attention; there sat Robert with two coworkers, who were apparently oblivious to the situation, but had already realised that something was wrong. I stood there and just said, "You're not getting rid of me that easily."
Robert signalled for us to go outside, as he was too choked up to speak at that point (later he said he was 'doing very well' at not crying up until the point I entered the scene). Out we went, and we just stood there for a few minutes, him trying to avoid eye contact. I tried to hug him; he didn't reject my advances, but his arms hung limp, making a hug feel unnatural. So I just rested my head on his chest. Eventually we started talking.
Now, I have a terrible memory when it comes to spoken words. But what I do remember is what is quite possibly the most heartbreaking thing anybody could ever witness: A grown man crying, "I just can't cope".
And so the night went on. I failed to convince him to come back. After an hour or so of talking, speculating about the future, him admitting we could get back together if he works all his problems out. We eventually had to walk back home, and I asked him if I could hold his hand, and he said yes.
We came home, bawwed, ate pizza, bawwed some more. Sleeping arrangements were fairly awkward, considering the situation; there was only a double bed available. I took the opportunity to cling to him most of the night.
In the morning, we woke up, and started bawwing again. He went to work and I was left alone.
As soon as he got to work, I messaged him again.
Emily
These problems can be sorted and I want to sort them out with you
Breaking up with me is not the way to solve them
I want to risk getting hurt again if it means you will let me help you.
This is making us both miserable and I'd rather think we tried again instead of giving up completely.
And that is one of the many reasons why I want you to take me back.
Is that a valid enough reason?
I'm willing to be hurt over and over again for another chance with you.
If you were patient with me, the least I can do is help you out.
Evidentally he had been thinking things over during the night, as he was more receptive to the idea.
We moved onto skype, as that was less suspicious at his work than facebook chat. As it turned out, he felt incredibly bad because he had told me so much about his feelings, things which he should have said before, but things he didn't want to mention.
Robert: I feel like a horrible person for questioning my feelings for you. Doubly so for even telling you that much.
Emily: I ain't even mad :)
It was at this point which he realised that I cared more for him than the relationship itself, that I still felt ties to him even after he voiced all his 'horrible' concerns.
And with that, we got back together.
It took 20 hours, but it was fucking worth it.
We even went to lunch together shortly afterwards.
And that, my friends, is how you get back with your ex.
Whelp. I was having the usual chat-session with my dear Robert, when he spontaneously announced that he was feeling guilty that he might be hurting me.
